from: mary smith (mrsmth105@gmail.com)

Hello Seller,
Am from United State, am searching the iterms on craigslist and i came across this iterm and i wish to purchase it for my own personal use,i will like to know the present condition and the total cost of the item while i will be processing the payment via check and i will also be responsible for the shipping, will like to know how you feel about my offer and to know the next step to take while i will be waiting for your reply.
Sincerely
patrick

my response:

First of all lets just get one thing out of the way. You're a RETARD!

Ok now lets get down to business. Lets talk about your opener "Am from United State" What the HELL does that mean!? Who exactly do you think you're going to fool with an opener like that? Last I checked there aren't any 4 year olds making transactions on craigslist.

And I seriously can't believe how all you people keep using the same exact words "i will like to know" instead of "I would like to know" its amazing! Are all you retards going to the same "How to scam Americans" Class? Let me tell you.. you need to find a better teacher!

And while I'm at it.. here's a few more tips. Make sure you're email address and name match. Good job on the name "mary smith @ mrsmth105@gmail.com" Very American! However you signed your name as "patrick" at the bottom of the email. Not very wise is it?

But here is the best tip of all that I can give you! You need to make sure you are emailing someone who is actually SELLING SOMETHING YOU IDIOT! I posted a WANT ad! That means I want to BUY something not sell it you retard!

There so I hope this helps you out a little. Honestly I would like a bit of a challenge here and there but this is by far the WORST! Congratulations! You deserve a trophy. Or at least someone should throw you a fish...

Fantastically yours,
Garit

p.s. I wish you and you're whole country would be destroyed by terrible earthquakes and fire... the end.

Here is another one.. I don't really even understand this one but its still funny. This was all that was in the body of the email and the whole thing was a link to some male enhancement site.

------------------------------------------------------

The trophy can now be in your pants...

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Ha!

So I have been getting a lot of funny "male enhancement" spam lately and I have decided to post some of them. Today I got this one...

"The Pump It Up, Expanding, Stuffy Head, Heated Skin So You Can Get Some, Medicine"

who gets paid to come up with this stuff? lol

I got this email today. This is spam not a scam but for some reason it made me laugh reading it. So I'll share it with you..

--------------------------------------------------------------------
from Lacay Branum date Nov 28, 2007 1:52 PM

greeting garitd

dont be like me. i lost my girl because i couldnt have sex in the woods @ night. use Vl/\g1a!
http://considertire.com

Lacay Branum

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks Lacay! A life without being able to make love in the woods at night is not a life I want! You have truly saved me and my love life!

from: frank suatoni

YOUR ITEM QUITE INTERESTS ME AND I HOPE IT IS STILL AVAILABLE FOR SALE ..I RESIDE IN CANADA ONTARIO TO BE PRECISE .I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW THE FINAL ASKING PRICE AND THE CONDITION OF THE ITEM WITH SOME PICS BUT IT WOULD BE PICKED UP BY MY HUBBY'S CLOSEST CARRIER IN THE STATES .SO IF YOU ARE WILLING TO SELL SEND ME YOUR FULL CONTACT NAME AND ADDRESS TO POST PAYMENT TO YOU IN FORM OF LEGIT CASHIER CHECK.I NEED TO HEAR FROM YOU A.S.A.P TO COMMENCE ON
THE TRANSACTION ...

my response:

go kill yourself
go hang yourself
go play marco polo on the freeway
go eat razorblades
go play with cobras
go drink battery acid
go make friends with a tiger shark

and stop being a total jackass!

- Garit

from: Caroline Thill

Hello Seller,Good Day to you ,I reside in London UK, Am a registered purchasing and sales agent,in which my client has shown interest in your display item on craigslist so i will like o know

1)Did you accept certified cahier's check payment drawn from US Bank?
2)Can we trust you with the money
3)Will you be able to cash the check payment sameday you got the check at your bank?
4)What is the condition of the item
5)what is the final asking prce of the item
6)Will you be able to allow my client private shipping company to come to your house for the pick-up of the item from you down to where it is needed urgently?
7)Kindly send us your full name,address and phone number where the check payment will be mail out to okay cause the item is needed urgently.

Hope to read from you soonest
Regards and God Bless

my response:

Please accept this limerick I wrote as a response to your email.

you are without doubt the biggest loser ever heard of
i wish a giant meteor would rain death from above
and forever silence your incompetent banter
unless something could end your life faster?
nah, I'd still send a meteor with all my love

thank you.

here is an additional limerick a friend of mine wrote.

get an honest job,
you motherf'in knob,
you'll make money faster,
you stupid gay bastard,
if you decide not to rob.

ps we both wish you were dead =)

from: (myspace:no picture) Mike

Why do you want to sell this item?
is it stil in good condition?
what's the final price you want to sell this item?
Can i have the current picture the item?
my means of payment for this item is by check and i will also want you to know that my client shipping compnay will come for the pick up of the item, moreso the check for your final price and for the shipping cost will be send to you and once you get the check all you will need to do is to deduct your money and send the rest through western union to the shipper company that will come for the pick up of the item, so let me know if you are alright with this, if agreed get back to me with your full name and address with phone number so that check will be mail out immediately without any delay and you will get it 2 days after you agreed to sell it for us.

Email me to newopen1@hotmail.com that's way i will respond to your mail immediately.

Thanks mike Ostergar

my response:

dear "no picture mypace" mike

you are like the best scammer ever! i am like your biggest fan! first you ask the same useless questions all scammers ask. then you make the classic mistake of agreeing to pay what ever i want you to pay, which by the way never happens in real life so you thereby begin to insult the intelligence of the reader by your obvious intentions. but here is the weird part.. you go on to make up a story about a shipping company and western union checks and blah blah blah. everyone knows the magic words for internet buy/sell commerce is "cash" and "paypal" no one in their right mind would agree to your ridiculous request.

so what im trying to say here is.. do us all a favor and go straightway and kill yourself as soon as humanly possible. trust me no one will miss you when you are gone.

with all the love i could possibly possess
Garit